We Haven't Even Started Yet.

Lips attempts to navigate the car through Wiltshire Boulevard and back to his place whilst I sit in the passenger seat levitating with excitement.

I'm in LA, baby! LA!

He points out the iconic Hollywood sign in the distance and I make a noise I've never heard issue from me before.

'So, we have a number of things planned whilst you're here. We're gonna get sloppy drunk and have a ball, Doll.'
I mention my concerns about LA. I believe everyone here has perfect teeth, a healthy tan and a size 2 figure and that I am going to look like a Tim Burton character that's wandered in to the wrong animation, that I'll be asked to take my black clothes, cigarettes and psoriasis and fuck off.
He giggles but says nothing which confirms my suspicions.

He points out a restaurant on our right.
'That's Republique. We're eating there tonight. It's fabulous but you have to get there at 5.30 to secure a place at the bar which is the best place to be.'
We get to his house and it's a piece of art, inside and out. It's almost entirely white too which gives me pause. I don't fare well with white. Normally fairly graceful and un-clumsy, when confronted with a virgin landscape I seem to be pre programmed to spill, drop and traipse in all manner of nastiness.

I listen to him talk on the phone about a film shoot whilst opening a bottle of champagne and briefly think about falling face first in to the pool. I want to phone my mum. Shit, I want to phone everyone I've ever met.

Lips shows me my room which is also entirely white. I make a mental note to sleep on my coat.

We drink champagne by the pool and Stephen returns home and greets me warmly. He looks a bit like Viggo Mortensen and at a loss for anything else to say (like 'Thanks for having me' or 'lovely home you have') I tell him so.

Adjoining the pool is a stone jacuzzi which I eye suspiciously.

Lips mistakes it for enthusiasm and says:
'Y'know, we only moved in a week ago, we still haven't used it.'

'Oh, I didn't bring a swim suit with me so...'

'Well you better get one!'

'Not unless they sell ones that start at the ankles and end at the neck.'

'Not a problem,' he smiles. 'This is a largely jewish area of LA.'

So there's a good chance I'll be posting a picture of something amorphous and black floating nervously in some bubbling water. Don't be alarmed.

In addition to Lips and Stephen there are two chocolate labradoodles - Bradley Cooper and Anderson Cooper – The Cooper Brothers! And a goldfish called Jennifer Lawrence. The dogs are very affectionate and almost instantly develop a fascination with my groin.

We chit chat for a while a drink until it's time to head to Republique a short stroll away. As we mooch they tell me about twenty or so other restaurants we'll be eating at during my stay.

'I hope you like mexican, honey. We eat at this fabulous dive at least three times a week, the margaritas are wonderful.'

I feel happy and indifferent to the fact that I will be tipping the scales in to dangerously obese by the time I leave.

Republique is huge and elegant and we do get out seats at the bar which give us a view of the bartenders and behind them through a large opening in the wall all the chefs rushing about stirring and chopping and flipping like some great ballet.

We have more champagne and then move on to cocktails whilst we peruse the menu. Everything looks good. Everything. Luckily Lips is a feeder and loves ordering for people. He suggests we order a selection and share it. Over the next two hours a riot of food appears – Tempura sweet potato chips, calamari, three different salads, carbonara, pumpkin and sage ravioli, half a chicken, chocolate and salted caramel cake with early grey baileys, baked apple with ice cream.... I finish my third gin martini and we switch to espresso martinis in lieu of coffee.

I have a food high and tell them a joke that Doc told me in New York. I never tell jokes, I'm terrible at telling jokes. But the vast quantities of booze and food have relaxed me to the point where I even tell the joke in Doc's broad Brooklyn accent. They love it and laugh like drains. I go on to tell them all about Doc and his story which I currently have in the form of a one man show. He wants to take it to Edinburgh and I want to help him though I have no real idea how at the moment.

We head back and drink more cocktails and tell stories. Lips shows me a spaceship and assures me that if I press all the right buttons in the right order tomorrow morning it will furnish me with a cup of coffee. I fall in to bed and sleep like the dead completely forgetting to sleep on my coat.

I'm standing before I wake. It's 7am and (check out of the window) I'm in LA!

I explore my en suite with has been laden with Kiehl's products and white (goddammit) fluffy towels. I step in to a shower which is half the size of a room and use everything at once.

I head down for coffee and Stephen asks why I gave up acting after my degree.

'I mean, judging by last night you clearly have talent.'

Oh.

'And that singing voice!'

Oh god.

It's saturday and in LA that means brunch. They take me to a place called The Pink Taco for breakfast Burritos and margaritas. It's ten am. Another fantastic place which only becomes more fantastic as I slug down my fifth drink.

Everyone's been talking about the new film Whiplash and we decide to go and see it that night. We head off to buy tickets and I am mercifully given some sobering coffee whilst we wander around a homeware store.

'Do you need a toothbrush holder in your bathroom darling?'

'No I'm fine,' I say.

'Get her the marble one,' Stephen says.

Lips nods.

'And the matching soap dish.'

'Really, my toothbrush is absolutely fine on the side...'

'Oh by the way, I booked you in an acting lesson with my tutor and a singing lesson with Craig, he's brilliant.'

'Wait. WHAT?!'

Stephen literally hasn't been out of my sight and I have no idea when he managed to fit in this Machiavellian act of terror.

Lips rolls his eyes.

'But...I can't just....how did this....'

Stephen shrugs.

'We can make up a resume for you tomorrow and get those babies sent out right away. I just don't understand why you're not doing this.'

I'm at a loss for any response that will make him understand how insane this is so I merely mutter;
'So this is LA...'

Lips smiles at me.

'The thing is, Thea, LA is the kind of place where nothing can happen forever and then suddenly something does happen and lives are literally changed in a moment. People sleeping in their cars without a dollar left in the bank and boom they get cast and their lives change.'

Stephen adds the most marvellous quote:

'Anything can happen. Anything happens all the time.'

We go home and fetch the Cooper brothers and take them to Griffin Park where we walk/climb up a trail to the Griffin Park Observatory. I see a sign warning me of mountain lions and rattle snakes. Australia comes flooding back.

We finally get to the top in the burning sun (it's winter here, pah) and Lips points out the Hollywood sign shimmering like a dream in the distance.

We head back, shower and convene for the movie. The cinema is tiny, art deco and has a good bar. We head in with a bottle of prosecco with proper glasses and I'm delighted to find the seats are huge and old and there are wooden tables between us for our drinks.

The film is amazing. We talk about it all the way to Cecone's - 'It's a see and be seen kinda place” - where we sit at another luxurious bar and order martinis before devouring the pizza and twenty or so other 'great dishes' Lips decides we should try.

By the time we get back I'm ready for bed. Lips tells me that tomorrow we're having brunch at Shutters in Santa Monica after which we'll have a walk along Venice beach. We're meeting the actor James Faulkner (the pervy uncle in Bridget Jones and now Lord Sinderby in Downton Abbey – my mum will be delighted) for dinner at a place called Lukes but spelled with Q's and C's and so forth.

'They have these amazing olives with almonds and the bread and salt oh my god...'

Then there's something about going to the filming of a reality TV show and lunch at Warner Brothers and a possible overnight trip to Palm Springs.

I'm staring at him in a haze.
'Lips, I'm having such a wonderful time. I don't know how to thank you.'

He kisses me on the cheek.

'Oh honey. This is just a normal weekend. We haven't even started yet.'